everything in its time

I went to church to mark the ending of my bittersweet 2009 and the beginning of 2010
the message was simple
everything in its time
it reminds me of what i used to believe
G has a plan for each one of us
and all the things that happened or are about to happen is part of the plan
and despite us not aligned to this plan
it will happen coz it is the best for us
so it dawns on me
that all the tears that i cried and people gone was part of the plan
he was meant to be the past, a history page in my life
and for the current one,
i still have no idea what he is supposed to be
probably another page in my book of history soon
i think we try too hard sometimes
not that we should not try
but we should learn to let G do the work
coz it always seem to be in a huge mass after all the failed attempts
i still want to watch my sherlock holmes
i still want to see him
but i realised i can't fight it anymore
if it was or is time to let go
i have to
to make things work
to make things easier for him to do the work
man can live 30 days without food
3 days without water
3 minutes without air
and only one 1 second without hope
how true
the right time is coming.

The gift

I gave the present to E in the end
i don't know why
but i don't think it matters anymore
i have yet to write the card but it seems to be much difficulty
" this card is supposed to have come together with the gift but it seems to take me a longer time to write the card than to choose the present. I wanted to buy a pair of mother of pearl ones which i like but i don't know if you like them. Which makes me realise perhaps i don't really know what you like so i ended up choosing one which is more subtle and can match all colour shirts. Anyhow, this is a year end present which coincides with X'mas. Thank you for making my bittersweet 2009 more sweet than bitter by being the sweet part most of the time. Wishing you a blessed and fulfilling 2010 ahead. Love always, Von "

Picking

i think i have picked myself up
haha
i went to A today and get 12 needles in
and will be going there for another 2 days in a row
i anticipate pain
why oh why
i have also decided to do some work
dunno how but gotta do it
i left a day
haha
so life is going to get better i believe
i read the horoscope and saw that i was going to lose a loved one this year
so was it you that i lost?
anyway i need hope
and i have you, G
and I love you.

Don't regret

Life doesn’t hurt until: you think about how much things have changed, the people you loved and lost along the way, and how most of it you could have avoided if you just listened to the better part of your instincts.

But don’t look back and regret. Just learn from your mistakes and live your life.

By far

the day after x'mas... supposedly boxing day

i will stop all wallowing and start acting
actions make things happen
i will start my exercise regime
time to look for a gym and pool
and i will stop eating carbs or possibly stop eating altogether
and donate all the food fund into a buy a new bag fund *wink*
and i will start sleeping enough to shed pounds and get better skin
so many things to do
i need to be more determined and stop letting these people get me down
i can do it =)

what i did for x'mas 2009

well it was an uneventful/eventful day
and it depends on how u look at it
spend an hr frying chilli
open a bottle of shiraz and still drinking =)
and i decide to clear a cupboard of memories to make room for my bags
and so i manage to make a list of bags i amassed
1. 5 balenciagas (magenta work, brown green day, floral clutch, floral city, stardust city) i think i love balen =)
2. 2 marc (marc by marc and black classic)
3. Tann MiuMiu coffer (the first and eldest)
4. LV damier eva clutch
5. Candy coloured Loewe
6. Black noel Kate Spade

those i abandoned
1. gucci messenger
2. cc. jumbo
3. multicoloured lv
4. damier speedy (a gift to my sis)
5. cc. silver wallet

well with that my day is ending
x'mas will soon be over
hopefuly next year will be better.
and i guess it really depends on how you look at it.

Merry Christmas people!

list of things to achieve in 2010

1. Get the driving license.
2. Save more money and make more money to buy a place.
3. Find a better man.
4. Stop holding on to people whom i don't matter to.
5. Find a new job.
6. Meet more people.
7. Reduce financial burdens greatly.
8. Love my family and myself more.
9. Lose enormous amount of mass.
10. Get flawless, beautiful skin.
11. Hair to reach my bra strap.

list of things to stop

2010 is waiting
and i decide to make a list
a list of things to stop doing.
- stop spending so much money and learn the true use of money
- stop inflicting self-hurt through self-denial
- stop holding on to e
- stop being nasty to people i don't like

reflections

someone once said
your view of the world
is a reflection of how you feel
deep down i think i know how he always felt
am i ever in the inner circle of trust?
perhaps because i never ever felt that i was
hence i think a friendship doesn't exist
painful as it is
i know that acceptance is hard
but denial is momentary
and letting go is necessary
i think i will miss him
but what can i do?

shudder

i realise that i want to matter
i realise that i want him to care
sigh
expectations are back
i hate the coldness
i feel sad today.

xin dong

e can be so nice
but recently i realised
that not having expectations help alot
but why shouldn't it
he doesn't owe me a thing
i don't either
i had been contemplating
about the present
but i really have not decided what to do
should i buy a gift or not
and what should i buy?
sigh
i never seem to have any problem deciding
until now
i don't know the intention
if there is any at all.

behaviour

i know why i behave like that sometimes
i always knew it was unfair
but i thought i was young
but even now as an adult
it is still the same
nothing changed
maybe i learn to accept it
till the threshold is hit
no matter what i do and say
it does not matter
the rest of them do anyway
as long as i give them the money and settle my own problems
that should suffice
i ask a simple question
and gets a hostile reply
so in other words
do not bother talking at all
sigh
i hate it
i hate being alone
i hate being ignored
well that's why i end up ignoring the world anyway
another bad day with numbers
unpredictable
sigh
well only if i guess
anyway life is full of surprises
i m going to KPO with my hairdresser
lol
who would have guess
i didn't
had lunch with E's mum yesterday
and who would have guess again
i didn't
well
life's a box isn't it
filled with things we like and don't
hope more happy surprises are coming along.

realised

I walked home from west coast today
ginza has changed to west coast
world trade center has changed to vivo
and u have left
i missed us
the us a decade ago
the us who studied together
hanged out
and see the world
i guess us did not exist for a long time already
we have drifted to where life took us
and yup
it took US away.

memoir of u n me

I stop lying to myself today.
even if it was for a moment
that moment
at least i was happy.
i have yesterday
and that is enough
for now.

sigh

back from my holiday
feeling worse than before
still can't seem to find the meaning
of my existence
i dread living
i dread trying to make things happen
this is more serious than i think

today

if the world is to end today
if my world is to end today.
i end it loving u
knowing u was and is a mistake
loving u was and is a choice
i hate myself for loving u
thank you for keeping me company.
i m giving u back your happiness
so that i can have mine.

Goodbye E

I hope u r happy

like seriously

i realised after so long that blessings could be a kind of love

just dun let anything happen to u tml

i love u

now and till i grow senile

if u are happy

i will be

i am serious

love u

if only i hate u more than i like u

I hate u

for making me sad

for making me wish i dun exist

i hate u for living well without me

did i play such an insignificant role in your life

was this all it was

i din change the passwords

i din change the things that make u an integral in my life

i dunno why i left it status quo

i din know y i felt like i lost a loved one

i din know i could feel like that

i din know how i could have reacted

Until today

I felt like I have no choice but to let you go

from the bottom of my heart

good bye.

To E

u have moulded me to become one of the most shameless person around
it is no wonder why it doesn't and never bothers you how i feel
silly is no longer a good enough word to describe my otherwise insensible actions
stupidity might be a better word or a more powerful word could be used
i contemplated
i looked through the memory lane
and concluded u matter enough for a try
only to realise that a bunch of true and untrue explanations and reasonings float your world
is your world ever so righteous
so orderly
so planned
or was it me
i m tired of trying to invade a world that is closed to me
trying so hard to talk to a soul who only sees himself and her
perhaps many times i refused to see the signals
to see the closed door and slammed right into it
perhaps i chose to hurt myself
i m putting you away
the thought of u as a companion came to mind today
i actually used the word companion
and well you have put it plainly again
that it can never be
so lead your life
as i lead mine
vowed not to let u matter anymore in my life
as my mere mortal life
cannot accomodate a superhero like you

To J

I lamented I was bitter
I wish you love me just a little bit more
a little bit more to stay
abandoned and lost
i seek a closure which is not in sight
an unknown number and a blocked number
i contemplated to pick up the call
knowing the chances are 50% u or not
not knowing how i will feel if it was not u
or how i feel hearing your voice again
coming to terms that you left was probably one of the most difficult things i've faced
not facing it seems easier
when it only bites and hurts when reality sets in
how could you
how could u leave us behind and left me alone
is that all our love was?
tortured i tried to live normally
to let nothing falter me
to try to be happy
but when the memories float me by
i wish they don't exist
i wish we didn't exist
i wish i didn't know what bliss was
then i wouldn't want it
as i miss it now
sometimes i feel it is too painful to live through this
sometimes i find the courage to move on
a walking dead
one alive
but dead to the affairs of the heart of mere mortals
tired and exhausted
i need rest
to bury myself into a sleep of eternity
alive only in being

The courage to change

I lack courage to do what I like and want
I lack courage to tell you how I feel
But I realised that I was being silly
In your world, I never really matter
I wish I do and I hope I do
And I hold on to the hope and linger
I tell myself it is not like
I tell myself it is not love
But if it is neither one of them
why does it hurt
was it just pure ego
part of me did not want to lose the feelings or the idea of being nice to
or was it more than that

I cried many times over you
i cried over things I have no right to
I knew and know I should walk away but I cannot bear to
It is becoming so pathetic that i hate myself for my stupidity
i make a pact with a friend today to give me 2 months to walk away
but seriously why the fuck do i need so long when all i am to you is nothing
it is sad to let go of something i never had
which is ironic coz i never had
i hate you
i hate you for your hot and cold
i hate you for liking her
i hate you for making me cry
but i think i hate myself most for loving you
even if it was that brief moment in my life
i never knew when it all started
but no matter how i brushed it aside
it just won't go away
i pretended it didn't matter
i pretended you didn't matter
but it is just a pretense
and beneath all this
lies a soul who wished it all matters
only to realise you are not there anymore
or you are not the one anymore

Putting the memories in the box
never knew when it started but it started accumulating
i thought i don't remember but it doesn't work that way
you matter
more than anything i lived and loved
but you are not mine
and will never be
it is sad but true
i might be sad for sometime
but letting go is the best for now
goodbye love

dreams

I have been feeling sad lately.
Thinking of the memories I wish I could hold on forever.
I never did let go.
Living in my own world which has turned so cold.
I could laugh but not smile.
I could tear but not cry.
Tears swelled up my eyes.
Choked on words.
I wish I wish I wish
The pain will just subside.
The pain of dreams forever gone.
The dreams of you and me.
The dreams we had.

From now on

I will be bitter no more.
Will try to live each day as if it was the last.
Live for the moment.
And make most of the life I've got left.
To the people who love me.
Thank you.
To the people I love.
I did and always will.
Perhaps our paths will not cross again
But I wish for happiness for you.
Be it now or forever.
Goodbye.

words... when it is not enough

words are not enough
i can't express myself anymore
i wish i was stronger
to not want
things i will never own
if and only if
i could control what i think and feel.
i would be happier.
truely
really
soon.

bitter bite

thoughts.
bitter bites.
fight.
wants.
reality.
tired.
of it all.

Feel

I hate feelings.
I do not like to want.
Hanging by a thread.
Weary.
I seek a rainbow.
To see the beauty of the world.
Yet.
After a storm.

If only I could...

Vanished.

That would be easier.

My heart

A cold heart will freeze and crack.
Melt me!
The only reason why my heart is still beating is
coz it is still not time to die.
JADED.

In Transit

Transiting.
Packing up the promised forevers in a box.
A tad too overwhelming.
I hope I make it.
Just let me go.

Worldly vice

The world in its jealousy.
I live and learn.
Exhausted but not derailed.
I seek a better life.
A life without you.

Realised

Realised.
My heart changed long ago.
As far as two years back.
It was not the same.
Denial was all it was about.

Differences

I was deliriously happy yesterday.

Someone is bitter.

That I am happy.

Ramen. Shochu.

My happy trigger.

Letting go

Life at a standstill.

Change is constant.

How apt.

Life on the balance.

Pain a necessity.

Letting go does not always mean you are weak.

It is only when you are strong enough to.

The day after you left

A day after.
A new beginning.
To the dreams and hopes I had.
Goodbye.
I can't get to sleep.
I can't seem to function.
I know the lines.
I know the excuses.
I know the reasons.
Knowing and accepting it is not the same.
I loved you.
For now and the time to come.
I may or may not say the same.
Perhaps we were two parallel lines after all.
Maybe the crossroads was an illusion.
In our two different worlds.
Under the same big sky.
You decided.
You are leaving.
And left.