The courage to change

I lack courage to do what I like and want
I lack courage to tell you how I feel
But I realised that I was being silly
In your world, I never really matter
I wish I do and I hope I do
And I hold on to the hope and linger
I tell myself it is not like
I tell myself it is not love
But if it is neither one of them
why does it hurt
was it just pure ego
part of me did not want to lose the feelings or the idea of being nice to
or was it more than that

I cried many times over you
i cried over things I have no right to
I knew and know I should walk away but I cannot bear to
It is becoming so pathetic that i hate myself for my stupidity
i make a pact with a friend today to give me 2 months to walk away
but seriously why the fuck do i need so long when all i am to you is nothing
it is sad to let go of something i never had
which is ironic coz i never had
i hate you
i hate you for your hot and cold
i hate you for liking her
i hate you for making me cry
but i think i hate myself most for loving you
even if it was that brief moment in my life
i never knew when it all started
but no matter how i brushed it aside
it just won't go away
i pretended it didn't matter
i pretended you didn't matter
but it is just a pretense
and beneath all this
lies a soul who wished it all matters
only to realise you are not there anymore
or you are not the one anymore

Putting the memories in the box
never knew when it started but it started accumulating
i thought i don't remember but it doesn't work that way
you matter
more than anything i lived and loved
but you are not mine
and will never be
it is sad but true
i might be sad for sometime
but letting go is the best for now
goodbye love